Polyamory

Polyamory: “poly” comes from the Greek “polus”, meaning many, and then there’s love… I’d translate that for you, but you know how it goes: “I can’t describe it, there’s just something about them…” You can’t argue with love.

Multiple loves… OK, the concept sounds simple, but are we talking about polygamy? Or a harem? An orgy, perhaps? Come on, Jamie, explain what polyamory is!

Polyamory: what’s that, then? 

Our friend the Larousse dictionary describes polyamory as “being in a lasting intimate relationship (romantic and/or sexual) with several partners at the same time, consensually, openly and honestly”.

Common misconceptions about polyamory

These days, we tend to picture a romantic relationship as a couple. But just as no two couples are alike, why shouldn’t there be other ways to love besides two people promising to be faithful to each other? Polyamory will challenge everything you thought you knew about ways of loving.

The unknown can be a bit scary, and when we don’t understand something, we often look for a logical explanation!

Wait a minute… Feelings don’t have to be logical. I love you because you bring a little sparkle into my life, Kevin. That’s all!

Right, let’s take a quick look at some common misconceptions about polyamory:

“You can’t love several people; it must just be about sex”

Not at all. You don’t love your partner just for the out-of-this-world sex you have together. You love them for all sorts of reasons: they make the best pasta on Earth, their jokes leave you in stitches, their kisses on your neck are divine… It’s the same with polyamory. Sex is part of the equation, but it’s not the whole story!

“It’s a handy way to avoid commitment”

For most people, commitment means being loyal to your partner and not looking to see if the grass is greener elsewhere. But isn’t commitment more about being there day to day? Supporting your partner emotionally? Helping them thrive, whatever happens?

And you can do all that with two people, six or ten… so you can do it in polyamory too! Granted, after a while it might get a little tricky to give everyone the care they need without anyone feeling left out, but you get the idea. Exclusivity and commitment aren’t the same thing!

“It’s impossible to love several people with the same intensity”

If I have several children, am I bound to love Jérémy more than Zoé? No! You don’t have a fixed amount of love to divide equally between them; it happens naturally. In polyamory, what you have in common and how you connect can vary from person to person, but you love them all, and that love can’t be measured.

“So it’s basically an open relationship”

An open relationship is an agreement that you can both have other partners. That means non-exclusivity, which isn’t necessarily part of every polyamorous relationship! Some people need boundaries that let their lovely group of partners love one another without necessarily being open to bringing anyone else into the relationship.

“I love you, but you’re free to love anyone else too”

Speaking of consent… It’s the foundation of a healthy polyamorous relationship, just as it is for any other kind of relationship. To build something solid without hurting anyone, THE rule you can’t skip is agreeing on everyone’s boundaries. What are you each comfortable with, and what would be too hard to handle?

Before agreeing to polyamory, you need to be sure you understand and accept what it involves, so you don’t end up heartbroken because it turns out “that wasn’t what I wanted”… Taking the time to talk things through is really, really important. Communication first, baby!

Want to know more?

How about hearing from the people who actually practise it? Not that I’ve been spinning you a story out of thin air throughout this article, but… I must confess, I’m not polyamorous myself. So let’s give those with firsthand experience the floor…

I’d invite you to take a look at the account from Asaf Avidan, a well-known polyamorous person who speaks about this kind of love with such tenderness!

Whatever love means to you, whether you’re all about being a duo, a trio or polyamorous, live it to the full, ’cause one day we’ll be old*, as he puts it so well in one of his songs.

*Because one day we’ll be old.