Sapiosexual: what if your kink was grey material?

Sapiosexual: what does it mean exactly?

The term sapiosexual comes from the Latin sapiens (from the verb sapio, e.g. Homo sapiens), which means "to be wise, to understand, to appreciate, to know how to choose". Being sapiosexual means being primarily attracted to the other person's intelligence. Not their abs, not their physical appearance, not beauty in the classical sense. BY THE INTELLECT!

For sapiosexual men and women, physical appearance is not the main criterion: it's intelligence that attracts, it's intelligence that tips le désir. People attracted by intelligence perceive the world differently: the beauty of a line of reasoning, the beauty of an idea attracts them more than the beauty of a face. This is called sapiosexuality.

The Office québécois de la langue française, Wiktionnaire, and the Wikipedia page dedicated to the subject all agree. The term sapiosexual has appeared in Le Robert for a few years now: which shows just how important this identity has become in French culture. What does this term mean in everyday life? For the women and men who identify as sapiosexual, it means that sexual attraction is triggered first by the other person's intelligence.

Concretely, what does that look like? Someone gives you a brilliant demonstration on philosophy, the history of feminism, or cheese production in the Auvergne, and boom — butterflies. The ultimate foreplay? A great exchange, a passionate discussion, a debate of ideas, a conversation that makes you choose your words with care. The idea of sharing an intellectual moment is a genuine object of desire. Intelligence attracts, it's as simple as that.

Where does the term sapiosexual come from?

The origin of the term is credited to an American internet user, Darren Stalder, username WolfieBoy. In July 1998, he posted on LiveJournal to describe his own romantic choices. He wrote that he was looking for "an incisive, perceptive mind" and wanted philosophical exchanges as foreplay. The word "sapiosexual" was born at the crossroads of geek and literary cultures.

The word stayed in the internet's closet until November 2014, when the site OkCupid added it to the selection of orientations on its platform. The media emergence was immediate across the world. But faced with criticism (elitism, snobbery), the site removed it from its selection in February 2019.

In France, it was Sophie Marceau (in August 2018), then Gad Elmaleh (declaration in December 2024), who publicly declared themselves attracted by intelligence. The emergence of this identity caused Google searches to explode. Since then, the French-speaking world has known the term sapiosexual. Mylène Bertaux, a journalist at Madame Figaro, highlighted as early as December 2015 the importance of the phenomenon in a lengthy article (available on the Madame Figaro website). Mylène Bertaux used the word "trance" to describe this state when faced with a brilliant mind. The intellectual trance described by Bertaux is an almost animal reflex: a reflex of fascination, a reflex of attraction in the face of intelligence. Bertaux showed that this trance affects women and men alike, and that this experience is far more widespread than we might think.

Sapiosexual, sapiophile, demisexual: we explain it all

• Sapiosexual: sexual attraction is triggered by the mind. Sexual attraction to intelligence is sapiosexuality. Sapiosexuality means loving the other person's knowledge above all else.
• Sapiophile: an attraction that's more romantic and emotional. More "I want to share my life with a sharp mind" than "I want to jump their bones". Unlike the sapiosexual, the sapiophile's g-spot is emotional connection rather than purely physical desire.
• Demisexual: needs a strong emotional bond to feel desire, regardless of intellectual profile.

Science and sapiosexuality

In 2018, three researchers from the University of Western Australia (Gignac, Darbyshire and Ooi) published a study in the journal Intelligence (vol. 66, pp. 98–111, p. 102 in particular, available online). They surveyed 383 young women and men aged 18 to 35 using the sapioQ, a tool they created to measure sapiosexuality. It is the largest study ever conducted on sapiosexuality.

Between 1% and 8% of participants show high sapiosexuality scores. It's a real phenomenon, not a passing trend. Several studies suggest that women are more likely than men to identify this way. Sapiosexuality is now studied as a genuine phenomenon.

Le désir increases with perceived IQ, up to a point: the peak is around an IQ of 120. Beyond 135, le désir drops. Too much grey material kills pleasure: the person becomes intimidating. Cognitive ability must remain something that can be shared. This result is important and reveals something significant: we are not attracted to absolute intelligence, but to a mind we can have a dialogue with. Intellectual pleasure is relational pleasure.

Sexual orientation or simple preference?

For sapiosexuals, sapiosexuality constitutes a fundamental part of their sexuality, like a sexual orientation in its own right. For most dictionaries, it's more of a preference: choosing intelligent partners is a selection criterion, not a sexual orientation in the strict sense. This debate rages on. Everyone must decide how to define themselves: preference or sexual orientation? You can be sapiosexual AND straight, gay, bi or pan. The two dimensions overlap.

The trap of intellectual snobbery

Declaring yourself sapiosexual can slide into posturing. In August 2019, the Times tore into Marlène Schiappa. Some people use the term to set themselves apart. It also ignores other forms of intelligence (emotional, manual, artistic, relational, spiritual). Dismissing what doesn't fit your idea of intelligence is a trap that borders on condescension. The spiritual dimensions are hugely important, and one shouldn't dismiss other people's capacity to love differently.

Howard Gardner theorised eight types of cognitive ability. So yes, you can be sapiosexual without being insufferable. Important to bear in mind!

How do you nurture your desire when your mind is your g-spot?

Make conversation a real form of foreplay. Choose your words carefully, share an obsession, dare to debate. Verbal exchange is an exchange of knowledge, one that can go on day after day. Long-running exchanges build romantic love. Every exchange is a conversation, every conversation is an exchange.

Play with your imagination. Writing, erotic audio, role play: for a sapiosexual, imagination transforms every situation into an intense moment.

Cultivate your mental eroticism. Read, listen to our podcasts, go to exhibitions. The more you feed your mind, the more le désir stays alive. Learning is a gift, day after day. Human beings need knowledge, culture: observing, learning, perceiving the world with acuity — this is what nourishes le désir. Learning new things is also loving the world. Intellectual culture attracts.

Beware of the halo effect. This cognitive reflex makes you believe that brilliant = perfect. It can blind you in a relationship. Love and attraction are two different things.

If your partner doesn't work the same way as you, communicate. Stimulating exchanges are not a luxury but a need, an important one in a relationship. You need to communicate and establish rituals: a weekly debate, a book read together that you can discuss, etc.

Sapiosexual on dating apps

Since its removal from OkCupid, several dating apps have adopted this term, and you can set yourself apart. If you consider yourself sapiosexual, make your organic shine on mainstream apps (Hinge, Bumble, Fruitz, …). Look for clues in other people's profiles: books in photos, vocabulary used, interests. Be careful not to be a snob: the most beautiful encounter can come from a profile that doesn't show its intellectual side. Important to keep an open eye.

Q&A

• Is sapiosexuality a real sexual orientation? Most dictionaries speak of a preference, not a sexual orientation. But many people experience sapiosexuality as a fundamental part of their sexuality. See: the Orthodidacte page.

• What is the connection between sapiens and sapiosexuals? It all starts from the Latin sapiens, which means to know, to appreciate, to taste. Sapiens is the direct root of the term sapiosexual.

• How do I know if I'm sapiosexual? Being sapiosexual means feeling physical desire triggered by intelligence itself. If sharpness of thought is what builds pleasure for you, you may well be one.

• My partner isn't sapio — are we compatible? Of course, it can work. As in all couples, it's a matter of communication. No compatibility is a given.

In conclusion

Being sapiosexual means recognising that the other person's intellectual presence is erogenous zone number 1. A gift for love, a different way of loving. Loving intelligence is also loving life. It's a preference studied scientifically, experienced by 1 to 8% of young adults. The world of love is infinitely richer than predefined codes would have us believe, and is far from being based solely on physical appearance.

Now, it's your turn. Start a conversation tonight, read a book that challenges you a little. Be chosen for who you are, decide who makes you feel alive. Loving another person's intelligence is also loving yourself. 

Kisses to everyone 💜

🎧 To go further: listen to the Pédagojouie podcast: the episode with Maïa Mazaurette on erotic imagination.