Sapiosexual: what if your kink was grey material?

Sapiosexual: what does it actually mean?

The term sapiosexual comes from the Latin sapiens (from the verb sapio, as in Homo sapiens), meaning "to be wise, to understand, to appreciate, to discern". Being sapiosexual means being primarily attracted to someone's intelligence. Not six-pack abs, not conventional good looks, not traditional beauty. BUT THE INTELLECT!

For sapiosexuals, physical looks are not the main criterion: intelligence is what draws them in, sparking desire. People attracted to intellect perceive the world differently: the beauty of a line of reasoning, the elegance of an idea attracts them far more than a pretty face. This is known as sapiosexualité.

The Office québécois de la langue française, Wiktionary, and the Wikipedia page on the topic all agree. The term sapiosexual has featured in Le Robert for several years now: proof of just how prominent this identity has become in French culture. What does the term mean day-to-day? For women and men who identify as sapiosexual, it means that sexual attraction is sparked primarily by someone's intellect.

In practical terms, what does it look like? Someone delivers a brilliant take on philosophy, the history of feminism, or cheese making in the Auvergne, and suddenly, you get butterflies. The ultimate foreplay? A rich exchange, a passionate conversation, a debate of ideas, a dialogue that makes you choose your words with care. The thought of sharing an intellectual moment is a genuine object of desire. Intelligence is attractive, it is as simple as that.

Where does the term sapiosexual come from?

The origin of the term goes back to an American internet user, Darren Stalder, username WolfieBoy. In July 1998, he posted on LiveJournal describing his own romantic preferences. He wrote that he looked for "an incisive, inquisitive mind" and wanted philosophical discussions as foreplay. The word "sapiosexual" was born at the crossroads of geek and literary cultures.

The word remained in the quiet corners of the internet until November 2014, when OkCupid added it to the list of orientations on its platform. It instantly gained global media attention. However, facing criticism (charges of elitism and snobbery), the platform removed it from its options in February 2019.

In France, it was Sophie Marceau (in August 2018), and then Gad Elmaleh (speaking out in December 2024), who publicly stated they were attracted to intelligence. The emergence of this identity sent Google searches soaring. Since then, the French-speaking world has become familiar with the term sapiosexual. Mylène Bertaux, a journalist at Madame Figaro, highlighted the importance of the phenomenon back in December 2015 in an in-depth article (available on the Madame Figaro website). Mylène Bertaux spoke of a "trance" to describe this state when faced with a brilliant mind. The intellectual trance described by Bertaux is an almost animal reflex: a reflex of fascination, a reflex of attraction towards intelligence. Bertaux showed that this trance affects so-called women just as much as so-called men, and that this situation is far more widespread than people think.

Sapiosexual, sapiophile, demisexual: let us explain

• Sapiosexual: sexual attraction is triggered by the brain. Sexual attraction to intelligence is sapiosexuality. Sapiosexuality means being drawn to someone's mind and knowledge above all else.
• Sapiophile: an attraction that is primarily romantic and emotional. More "I want to share my life with a brilliant mind" than "I want to jump their bones".
• Demisexual: needing a strong emotional bond to feel desire, regardless of someone's intellectual profile.

Science and sapiosexuality

In 2018, three researchers from the University of Western Australia (Gignac, Darbyshire, and Ooi) published a study in the journal Intelligence (Vol. 66, pp. 98–111, notably p. 102, available online). They surveyed 383 young women and men aged between 18 and 35 using the SapioQ, an assessment tool they developed to measure sapiosexuality. It remains the largest study ever conducted on sapiosexuality.

Between 1% and 8% of participants show high levels of sapiosexuality. It is a genuine reality, not just a passing trend. Several studies suggest that so-called women are more likely than so-called men to identify this way. Sapiosexuality is now being studied as a real phenomenon.

Desire increases with perceived IQ up to a point: the peak is around an IQ of 120. Beyond 135, desire drops off. Too much grey material kills the mood: the person becomes intimidating. Cognitive ability needs to remain something that can be shared. This finding is significant and shows something profound: we are not attracted to absolute intelligence, but to a mind we can genuinely engage with. Intellectual pleasure is a relational pleasure.

A sexual orientation or simply a preference?

For sapiosexuals, sapiosexuality is a fundamental part of their sexuality, much like a sexual orientation in its own right. For most dictionaries, it is considered more of a preference: seeking intelligent partners is a dating criterion, not a sexual orientation in the strict sense. The debate is lively. Everyone is free to define it for themselves: a preference or a sexual orientation? You can be sapiosexual AND straight, gay, bi, or pan. The two dimensions simply complement each other.

The trap of intellectual snobbery

Declaring oneself sapiosexual can sometimes slide into posturing. In August 2019, The Times sharply criticised Marlène Schiappa. Some may use the term simply to set themselves apart. It also risks overlooking other forms of intelligence (emotional, practical, artistic, interpersonal, spiritual). Disregarding anything that does not fit one's narrow definition of intelligence is a trap that easily resembles condescension. The importance of the spiritual dimensions is significant, and one shouldn't dismiss other people's capacity to love differently. 

Howard Gardner theorised eight types of cognitive abilities. So yes, you can be sapiosexual without being insufferable. A vital point to keep in mind!

How do you nurture your desire when your mind is your G-spot?

Turn meaningful exchanges into genuine foreplay. Choose your words carefully, share a passion, dare to debate. Verbal exchange is an exchange of knowledge that can grow deeper day by day. Long-term conversations build romantic love. Every exchange is a discussion, every discussion an exchange.

Play with your imagination. Erotic writing, audio erotica, role play: for a sapiosexual, the imagination turns any moment into something intensely exciting. 

Nurture your mental eroticism. Read, listen to our podcasts, visit exhibitions. The more you feed your mind, the more vibrant your desire remains. Learning is a wonderful opportunity, day in, day out. Humans need knowledge and culture: observing, learning, and perceiving the world with sharp insight is what fuels desire. Learning new things is also a way of loving the world. Intellectual depth is genuinely alluring.

Beware the halo effect. This cognitive shortcut tricks you into thinking brilliant = flawless. It can easily blind you in a relationship. Love and attraction are two very different things.

If your partner doesn't tick the same way, talk about it. Stimulating conversations aren't a luxury—they are a core need, vital to a relationship. Communicate and set up little rituals: a weekly debate, reading a book together to discuss afterwards, and so on.

Being sapiosexual on dating apps

Since its removal from OkCupid, several dating apps have embraced the term, giving you a way to stand out. If you consider yourself sapiosexual, curate your organic on mainstream apps (Hinge, Bumble, Fruitz, etc.). Look for clues on other profiles: books featured in photos, word choices, hobbies and interests. Be careful not to be dismissive: the best connection might come from a profile that doesn't overtly show off its intellectual side. It is important to keep an open mind.

Q&A

• Is sapiosexuality a genuine sexual orientation? Most dictionaries describe it as a preference rather than a sexual orientation. Yet many experience sapiosexuality as a core part of their sexuality. Worth checking out: the Orthodidacte page.

• What is the connection between sapiens and sapiosexuals? It all stems from the Latin sapiens, meaning to know, to appreciate, to taste. Sapiens forms the direct root of the word sapiosexual.

• How do I know if I'm sapiosexual? Being sapiosexual means experiencing physical desire sparked directly by intelligence. If a sharp, thoughtful mind is what gets your pulse racing, you might well be sapiosexual.

• My partner isn't sapio, are we compatible? Of course it can work. As with any couple, it all comes down to communication. No compatibility is set in stone in advance.

In conclusion

Being sapiosexual means recognising that someone's intellectual presence is your number one erogenous zone. A different way of loving. It is a scientifically studied preference, experienced by 1 to 8% of young adults. The world of romantic attraction is infinitely richer than predefined boxes would have us believe, and it is far from being based solely on physical appearance.

Now, over to you. Spark up a conversation tonight, read a book that stretches your thinking. Be chosen for who you are, and decide who truly excites you. Loving someone else's intelligence is also a way of loving yourself. 

Kisses to everyone 💜

🎧 To go further: listen to the Pédagojouie podcast: the episode with Maïa Mazaurette on the erotic imagination.