Sexual consent

Whether you’re in a relationship or single, consent is the foundation of every relationship.

When and how should you put consent into practice to make sure you don’t cross boundaries and that you respect the other person’s wishes and needs? Let’s take a look!

What is sexual consent?

According to our friend Larousse, consent is the “Act of agreeing to an action or a plan; acquiescence, approval, assent”. When we talk about sexual consent, we mean an agreement expressed by partners to a particular activity. It means knowing each other’s desires and boundaries before sex and making sure those boundaries are respected and remain unchanged throughout. It’s also where each person’s desires meet. Respecting someone’s consent means not imposing your desires on them, and it’s the foundation of every relationship, sexual or otherwise. I’d also add that no consent, whether verbal or non-verbal, means sexual assault. It’s as simple as that!

How do you define consent? It’s simple: it must always be enthusiastic, reversible, freely given and informed. Only yes means yes! If it isn’t yes, it’s no.

Enthusiastic

Because consent must reflect what someone wants; it must not be forced, coerced or obtained through blackmail or violence. Someone who gives in to harassment has not consented!

Reversible

Because someone can change their mind at any time, even if they’ve already agreed and given consent. For example, someone may consent to sex and then change their mind just before it starts or even during it. There’s no rule against it: we have the right to change our minds, and our partner must respect that. Full stop.

Freely given and informed

Because when someone consents to something, they need to know what they’re agreeing to. Let me explain: you agreed to have sex with someone who told you they were single. If, once you’ve started, they tell you they’re in a relationship, your consent has been compromised. Those aren’t the terms you agreed to, see what I mean? Freely given, informed consent also means you must be able to make a conscious decision. If you’re asleep or unconscious, for example, you cannot give consent. Besides, if someone’s asleep, the simplest thing is to leave them alone; and if someone’s unconscious, call the emergency services 🙂

How do you ask for and practise consent? 

No, you won’t ruin the mood or come across as a bore by asking for your partner’s consent. Contrary to what you might think, asking for consent can be incredibly sexy and exciting! You could look your partner in the eye as you ask what they’re comfortable with and describe everything you’d like to do to them… Or list all the things that turn you on during a steamy sexting exchange!

For some people, saying “no” or expressing discomfort out loud can be difficult. Here too, talking about consent by message before getting intimate can be a great idea. When your partner makes a suggestion in writing, you have time to think it over. You can picture it, take a step back and ask yourself whether it’s something you want too. You can even let your imagination run a little wild to build anticipation.

Whatever happens, remember that it’s essential to check your partner’s consent before and during sex. In the heat of the moment, it can sometimes be hard to ask for or express consent. It’s best to talk about it beforehand, pay attention to your partner’s signals and body language during sex, and take things gently!

Sexual consent: find out more!

Here’s a list of really interesting resources to help you learn more about consent:

• This video, full of common sense
• The website of the organisation consentis.info
• The interactive story from the Orgasme et moi Instagram account on different ways to ask for consent

Remember, consent is sexy AND essential!

See you soon 💜