Thinking about your ex when you're in a relationship: is it normal?

During a game of "truth or dare" with your besties, you find yourself admitting that, yes, you do sometimes think about your ex. Cue a circle of questioning looks that seem to cast doubt on your whole relationship with Marcel.le (get the reference?), your new partner. You blush, and guilt washes over you. "Why am I still thinking about my ex? That's not normal. Maybe my relationship is on the rocks..." First, your besties could do with being a bit more understanding. Second, no, thinking about your ex isn't unusual, even when you're in a relationship. Here's why!

Defining the terms

"Thinking about your ex"

First of all, it's important to understand what you mean by "thinking about your ex". There's a world of difference between thinking about that person from time to time — because you've seen an object, visited a place, or caught a scent that brings back memories — and thinking about your ex all day long, imagining yourself frolicking and/or fooling around in a lavender field.

The famous "normality"

Dear fellow citizens, we are honoured to announce that normality does not exist. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Before you get on your high horses, let us explain. If we start from the principle that every person is unique, with their own journey, history, tastes and beliefs, it suddenly becomes much harder to define normality, doesn't it? What we mean by this is that the real question isn't whether what we do is normal or not, but rather to make sure our actions don't hurt anyone. In principle, a thought has never harmed anyone — except perhaps the person whose grey matter is behind the whole thing. Following that logic, it is therefore neither abnormal nor serious to think about your ex, even when you're with someone else...

Taking action

However, if thinking about your ex is unsettling your new relationship, take action! No, not with your ex (although if you felt a pang of disappointment reading that, you might want to think about it). We're talking more about trying to understand these thoughts and the feelings they stir up. If you miss certain qualities your former partner had, it might be worth talking to Marcel.le about what they could work on to fulfil you more (without trying to change them as a person, of course). Are you nostalgic for certain moments? Simply accept that they were part of your life. If you still feel something when you think about them, you may not have fully moved on yet. In that case, be careful not to hurt the person you're with. They can never hold your feelings against you, but hiding your feelings for someone else from them is not advisable.

In short, observe, analyse and define the nature of these thoughts in order to better accept them or let them go. Being honest with yourself will allow you to be honest with your partner, and that's all we wish for you in your relationship.