What is shrekking?

Hola olé, my bum-shaped disco balls (mwahaha)

Today we’re unpacking a relationship trend that’s having a moment: shrekking.

Right, here we go — I’ll tell you all about it!

Once upon a time, a little human sparkly thing chose someone who didn’t really make their heart flutter, hoping to avoid a crushing disappointment and a broken heart.

That’s the promise of shrekking, a TikTok-born trend stirring debate among single people. Here’s our analysis (an insightful one, we hope) of the phenomenon and what it says about our relationship with love.

Dating apps one after another, ghosting, relationships that fizzle out before they’ve even begun… Many of us are feeling a kind of dating fatigue. Against that backdrop, a tempting idea has taken hold: what if the key to a peaceful relationship is to aim ‘lower’? (Amel Bent is sweating...)

Shrekking starts with that idea. Before embracing it or dismissing it out of hand, let’s take the time to understand what it’s really about. Without judgement, and with the nuance every love story deserves.

What exactly is shrekking?

Shrekking means starting a relationship with someone you consider ‘below’ your usual standards, physically or socially. The goal? To protect yourself. The thinking is that, grateful to have been chosen, this person will be more attentive, more faithful and less likely to leave.

The name obviously comes from Shrek, the very green, big-hearted ogre from the animated films. In the story, he thinks he isn’t worthy of Fiona… yet she comes to love him just as he is. Online, that image has been turned on its head: people ‘choose their Shrek’ in the hope of finding love without risk.

The term began circulating on TikTok in summer 2025, often with a dose of self-deprecating humour. Plenty of videos, though, tell the opposite story to the one people hoped for: trying shrekking… and getting dumped anyway. Online, with a touch of dark humour, they call that getting ‘shrekked’.

Why this trend appeals to so many people

If shrekking resonates with so many people, it’s because it speaks to very real needs.

• The fear of getting hurt: after a difficult break-up or a string of disappointments, wanting to protect yourself is understandable.
• Dating fatigue: swipe, match, repeat… Eventually, we start looking for shortcuts to a stable relationship, even if that wasn’t what we wanted at first.
• The need for control: feeling like you have the upper hand is reassuring: less effort to put in, less fear that the other person will leave.
• The pressure to look a certain way: social media constantly holds us up against beauty standards. Shrekking claims to free us from them… while still using them as a yardstick.

Beneath the layers of jokes lies a sensitive subject: vulnerability.

The limits of shrekking: a good idea gone wrong?

On paper, the strategy seems foolproof. In reality, it rests on several shaky assumptions.

You can’t rank attraction

Shrekking assumes there’s a universal ranking of attractiveness. But what attracts us is deeply subjective: a laugh, the way someone walks, the way they think, their energy, shared values. Nobody is ‘above’ or ‘below’ anyone else (good lord, penis)

Gratitude doesn’t guarantee kindness

There’s no reason to assume someone considered ‘less desirable’ will be more caring or more faithful. The quality of a relationship depends on personality, communication and a shared desire to build something together. Not on a supposed difference in worth.

An imbalance takes hold

Starting a relationship feeling ‘superior’ lays the foundations for an unequal dynamic (not to say something horribly toxic). The other person becomes a source of emotional security rather than a partner. Over time, that imbalance can breed resentment on both sides.

Desire pushed aside

Choosing someone we’re not really attracted to also means giving up an essential part of connection: the spark, the curiosity, the desire to be together. Desire isn’t a minor detail. It’s part of what makes a relationship feel alive and fulfilling.

What really matters: connection, desire and emotional security

The need for security behind shrekking is understandable. The good news is that there are other ways to meet that need without giving up what makes our hearts flutter.

1. Questioning your own criteria: rather than lowering your standards, why not revisit them? What really matters to us? Kindness, humour, being listened to, shared plans — or, more simply, a bum that makes you go boom?
2. Building self-confidence: feeling worthy of love by starting with yourself is often the first step towards a balanced relationship. You stop trying to ‘earn’ the other person’s love or gain the upper hand.
3. Prioritising communication: talking about your fears, desires and boundaries from the start creates a far stronger sense of security than a power struggle ever could.
4. Making room for desire: attraction can grow slowly, developing over time as you get closer. What matters is that it’s there, genuine and mutual.
5. Choosing a relationship between equals: two people freely choosing each other, strengths and vulnerabilities included — perhaps that’s a lovely place to start.

Ultimately, real emotional security doesn’t come from one partner having the upper hand. You build it together, at a pace that works for each of you.

Really, shrekking says a lot about our times: dating is exhauuusting, we’re afraid of getting hurt, and appearances weigh heavily on us. Let’s try to stop treating Love like a risk calculation and find the courage to follow our feelings. 

xoxo💜