Back-to-school libido: back down to earth?

Hello to the flowers already dried out by the back-to-school period...

YOU ARE NOT ALONE, believe me...

Forget the sacred art of doing nothing, the two daily naps, the languid moments when the only concern is not forgetting the basil leaves on the mozzarella tomatoes... and passionate lovemaking as many times as you want...

Only yesterday (no, you were not already 20 years old) your bare skin was tanning for 12 hours a day by the water; today you have a shared diary, a shopping list and one single goal that boils down to... sleeping. Welcome to back-to-school libido, that time of year when désir seems to have missed its train home.

Let it be very clear: no, nothing is broken. What you are experiencing has a name, is very easy to explain, and above all cannot be fixed with a flurry of good resolutions. So let’s unpack it. 

First of all, why does libido definitely drop in September?

Spoiler: your holidays were not your “real” libido

And that is the big news in this article (but do read on anyway). What many people take to be their normal level of desire is actually their level of desire in the absence of mental load. No meetings, no commute, no emails, sleep, novelty, a new setting, and often more time spent with their partner than in eleven months combined.

In other words: summer is not the benchmark, it is the exception. Comparing your September libido with that of 15 August is like comparing your fitness with that of a day when you had nothing else to do but swim.

The brain only has two hands

The back-to-school period is a peak of simultaneous demands: returning to work, social, friendship or family organisation, budget, routine, diary, countless free trial classes to try... GOLD attention is not an infinite resource. When it is entirely taken up by logistics, there is no bandwidth left to pick up the subtle signals of desire.

We are not saying that mental load kills désir, you know. But it has to be said that it greatly encroaches on the space where it might have nestled. 

Sleep, the great forgotten one

Three weeks of shortened nights are enough to lower energy, patience and appetite (all appetites). Add fading light, rising melatonin, and a body that mainly craves rest. It is not a breakdown; it is accounting.

Spontaneous desire, responsive desire: the distinction that changes everything

Here is the part we wish we had learned sooner.

We have been sold just one version of desire: the kind that arrives all by itself, without warning, like a craving for strawberries. That is spontaneous desire. It exists, it is real, and it is particularly talkative at the beginning of a relationship or on holiday, wherever novelty generally reigns supreme.

But there is another mechanism, at least as widespread: responsive desire. It does not precede the situation; it responds to it. It is not triggered before contact, but from it. You start without any particular desire, and desire arrives along the way.

Why is it crucial in September? Because when we wait only for spontaneous désir, we are waiting for a guest who, at this time of year, hardly ever rings the doorbell. And we wrongly conclude that there is nothing left.

A large proportion of people who think they have “lost” their back-to-school libido are actually operating in responsive mode without knowing it.

What really helps (and what really does not help at all)

Forget the pressure

Setting a numerical target, forcing yourselves to have a mandatory evening, or feeling guilty together: three excellent ways to add pressure to an already overloaded system. Performance anxiety is one of the few factors whose effect on désir is clear and immediate: AND IT IS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.

Recover before restarting

It almost seems too simple to be a strategy, yet it is the first one: sleep. Then make everyday life slightly less demanding. Desire returning is often simply a nervous system that is no longer in debt.

Create context, not obligation

Responsive désir needs a setting in which to show itself: slowness, contact without an end goal, a conversation that is not a meeting with six people. A massage that leads nowhere. A shower for two without a schedule. A moment when no one is performing.

Talk, but not about that

The classic trap for back-to-school lovers is turning the subject into a case file. Saying “I’m exhausted, it’s not about you” defuses a thousand misunderstandings. Comparing the week’s scores: absolutely not.

Let’s bring back a little novelty

Since novelty was one of summer’s driving forces, you might as well use it again: change rooms, timing, pace, or introduce an object into the equation. It is not an admission of weakness; it is good sensory common sense.

And what if it does not come back?

A drop in desire linked to the back-to-school period generally lasts a few weeks, while routines settle in. If the situation lasts several months, is accompanied by pain, fatigue that does not go away, hormonal changes, recent treatment or distress in the relationship, it is no longer a seasonal issue and we obviously encourage you to consult dedicated professionals.

Asking for help with your intimate life is as ordinary as seeing someone about a knee, and considerably more useful than waiting for spring.

We answer your questions about libido and the back-to-school period

Is a drop in libido in September common? Very. It corresponds to a combination of factors concentrated over a few weeks: sleep debt, a sudden increase in mental load, the end of the novelty of holidays and less light.

How long does it last? Most often, a few weeks, while routines stabilise. Beyond two to three months, or in the event of pain and persistent fatigue, medical advice is recommended.

Does this mean I no longer have désir for my partner? Not necessarily. Désir can be responsive, meaning it appears during contact rather than beforehand. So an absence of désir at rest says nothing about what happens once contact is established.

ENJOY THE JOYS of September (the end of the heatwave, seeing loved ones again, new activities)... Try to see the back-to-school period as a way to reinvent yourself, cut yourself some real slack and désir will come back to surprise you <3 

xoxo