Back-to-routine libido: back down to earth?

Hello, flowers already wilted by the back-to-routine rush...

YOU’RE NOT ALONE, believe me...

Gone are the sacred days of doing nothing, the two daily naps, the lazy moments when your only worry is remembering to put basil leaves on the tomato and mozzarella... and the passionate romps whenever you fancy...

Just yesterday (no, you weren’t 20 any more then, either), your bare skin was soaking up the sun by the water for 12 hours a day; today you have a shared calendar, a shopping list and one overriding goal: sleep. Welcome to back-to-routine libido, that time of year when desire seems to have missed the train home.

Let’s be very clear: no, nothing is broken. What you’re experiencing has a name, makes perfect sense, and, most importantly, isn’t fixed with a string of good resolutions. So let’s unpack it. 

First, why does libido tend to dip in September?

Spoiler: your holiday libido wasn’t your ‘real’ libido

And here’s the big news in this article (but do keep reading, won’t you?). What many people take to be their normal level of desire is actually their level of desire when they’re free of demands. No meetings, no commute, no emails; sleep, novelty, a change of scenery, and often more time with your partner than in the other eleven months put together.

In other words, summer isn’t the benchmark; it’s the exception. Comparing your September libido with your libido on 15 August is like comparing your fitness now with how fit you felt on a day when all you had to do was swim.

Your brain only has two hands

September brings a surge of demands all at once: going back to work, organising your social, friendship or family life, budgets, routines, diaries, countless free taster classes to try... BUT attention isn’t an infinite resource. When logistics take up all of it, there’s no bandwidth left to pick up on the subtle signals of desire.

We’re not saying mental load kills desire, mind you. But it’s hard to deny that it takes up a lot of the space where desire might otherwise have found a home. 

Sleep: the great forgotten factor

Three weeks of shorter nights are enough to sap your energy, patience and appetite (all kinds of appetite). Add fading daylight, rising melatonin and a body that mostly wants rest. It’s not a breakdown; it’s simple accounting.

Spontaneous desire, responsive desire: the distinction that changes everything

Here’s the part we wish we’d learnt sooner.

We’ve been sold just one version of desire: the kind that turns up on its own, without warning, like a sudden craving for strawberries. That’s spontaneous desire. It exists, it’s real, and it’s especially vocal at the start of a relationship or on holiday — anywhere novelty tends to reign supreme.

But there’s another way desire works, and it’s at least as common: responsive desire. It doesn’t come before a situation; it responds to it. It isn’t sparked before contact, but through it. You start without particularly wanting anything, and the desire arrives along the way.

Why does this matter so much in September? Because if you only wait for spontaneous desire, you’re waiting for a guest who, at this time of year, almost never rings the doorbell. And you wrongly conclude there’s no desire left.

A lot of people who think they’ve ‘lost’ their libido when the holidays end are actually experiencing responsive desire without realising it.

What really helps (and what really doesn’t)

Forget the pressure

Setting a numerical target, making a particular evening compulsory or feeling guilty together: three excellent ways to pile pressure onto a system that’s already overloaded. Performance anxiety is one of the few factors with a clear, immediate effect on desire: AND IT’S COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.

Rest up before you restart

It almost sounds too simple to be a strategy, but it’s the first one: sleep. Then make everyday life a little less hectic. Desire returning often just means your nervous system is no longer running on empty.

Create the right setting, not an obligation

Responsive desire needs the right setting to show up: taking things slowly, touch without an end goal, a conversation that isn’t a six-person meeting. A massage that doesn’t have to lead anywhere. A shower together with no agenda. A moment when nobody has to perform.

Talk, but not about that

The classic trap for couples getting back into the routine is turning the whole thing into a case file. Saying ‘I’m exhausted, it’s not about you’ clears up a thousand misunderstandings. Comparing this week’s scores clears up none.

Bring back a little novelty

Since novelty was one of the things that fuelled your summer, why not make use of it again? Try a different room, time of day or pace, or bring an object into the mix. It’s not an admission of weakness; it’s good sensory sense.

And what if it doesn’t come back?

A dip in desire when the holidays end usually lasts a few weeks, while you settle back into a routine. If it lasts several months, comes with pain, fatigue that won’t go away, hormonal changes, a recent course of treatment or distress in your relationship, it’s no longer just a seasonal issue. We’d encourage you to speak to an appropriate professional.

Asking for help with your intimate life is as ordinary as seeing someone about a bad knee, and considerably more useful than waiting for spring.

Your questions about libido and getting back into the routine, answered

Is a dip in libido in September common? Very. Several factors pile up over a few weeks: sleep debt, a sudden increase in mental load, the end of that holiday feeling of novelty and less daylight.

How long does it last? Usually a few weeks, while your routine settles down. If it lasts more than two to three months, or you have persistent pain and fatigue, seek medical advice.

Does this mean I no longer desire my partner? Not necessarily. Desire can be responsive, meaning it appears during contact rather than before it. Not feeling desire when you’re doing nothing tells you nothing about what might happen once you make contact.

ENJOY SEPTEMBER’S PLEASURES (the end of the heatwave, seeing loved ones again, new activities)... Try seeing the return to routine as a chance to reinvent yourself, give yourself a proper break, and desire will come back to surprise you <3 

xoxo