Libido in the couple

How to manage a decrease in libido?

Being in a relationship is a (beautiful) thing, but having the same desires, at the same time... is another. Rest assured: it's perfectly okay, and we are all concerned!

Today we will talk about libido in a relationship, understand why and how it fluctuates, find ideas to reconnect, get closer, and reassure each other.

How to regain your libido?

Many factors contribute to a decrease in libido, such as taking hormones, medications, the menstrual cycle, mental load, postpartum, fatigue, stress.. The list is long and each reason is approached differently.

1 - Communicate

If you are experiencing a decrease in libido in your relationship, the first thing to do is to identify what has changed in your life or your partner's: new habits, new lifestyle, particular event, or even a change of season... Communication is key to hearing and understanding your partner's needs. You need to talk, express your needs. It may seem simple, but it's often the most complicated. Yes, the fear of judgment, rejection, and misunderstanding from the other person can lead us to keep it all to ourselves, but I assure you that by talking to your partner, you will have done the hardest part!

When we talk about loss of libido, we are talking about the absence or decline of sexual desire. But it is important to differentiate between the different forms of desire.

Spontaneous desire: it's when something comes to awaken your excitement, like a thought, a fantasy, an image... This desire is often present at the beginning of a relationship because e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g is exciting.

Reactive desire: The desire does not come by itself, but reacts to an external stimulation. Often from your partner, who solicits you and creates the desire in you.

We can therefore start our relationship with a strong spontaneous desire, which can over time become a reactive desire. This is not a decrease in libido, but simply a change in the form of desire.

It is also important to remove from your mind that libido arrives as if by magic, that there is nothing to do: spontaneity is most of the time, only at the beginning of the relationship. The flame is fueled if we are curious but if we wait too long for something to happen, it will go out. So get to work!

2 - Spend time with yourself and enjoy yourself without pressure

Before trying to regain desire for the other, try to reconnect with your own emotions and feelings through meditation, yoga, or masturbation sessions. Rebuild your erotic imagination, perhaps by trying erotic podcasts or stories? Use sex toys or any other accessory that makes you feel good, and enjoy these moments of pleasure that you allow yourself with yourself.

3 - Establish new habits

Then try to establish new habits and ideas to reconnect with your partner.

Find a new quality in intimacy: do you need more caresses, role-playing, lubricant, or toys? Try a new rhythm: morning instead of evening? Talk about your desires, your fantasies, share your new erotic imagination with your partner!

4 - Spend time apart to better reconnect

Finally, desire needs space: try separate moments to then reconnect. Do you remember the first dates? You would choose a place, a time, an outfit... It was exciting to try to please the other. Plan activities together for chosen, quality moments, and rediscover the excitement of first dates!

Have confidence in yourself and in the other, express yourself, try crazy things! Take all your time and don't put pressure on yourself. The love we have for the other in a couple is not limited to sex. There are thousands of ways to express love and tenderness. Remember that you can be in love and not sexually desire your partner, that's perfectly okay!

If you want to learn more about desire and libido in a relationship, you can find here the replay of our live with Camille, sexologist for Mia.co!

See you soon 💜