Libido as a couple

How to manage a drop in libido?

Being in a relationship is one (wonderful) thing, but having the same desires at the same time... is quite another. Rest assured: it's perfectly ok, and we're all affected by this!

Today we're going to talk about libido as a couple — understanding why and how it fluctuates, and finding ideas to reconnect, grow closer and reassure one another.

How to rediscover your libido?

Many factors can contribute to a drop in libido, such as hormonal treatments, medication, the menstrual cycle, mental load, the postpartum period, fatigue, stress... The list is long, and each reason requires a different approach.

1 - Communicate

If you're experiencing a drop in libido as a couple, the first thing to do is look for what has changed in your life or your partner's: new habits, a new lifestyle, a particular event, or even a change of season... Communication is key to hearing and understanding your partner's needs. You need to talk and express your needs. It may sound simple, but it's often the hardest part. Yes, the fear of being judged, rejected or misunderstood by the other person can push us to keep it all to ourselves — but I assure you that by talking to your partner about it, you'll have done the hardest bit!

When we talk about loss of libido, we're talking about the absence or decline of sexual desire. But it's important to distinguish between the different forms of desire.

Spontaneous desire: this is when something awakens your arousal — a thought, a fantasy, an image... This type of desire is often present at the start of a relationship, because e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g is exciting.

Responsive desire: desire doesn't arise on its own, but responds to an external stimulus — often from your partner, who initiates contact and creates desire within you.

We can therefore begin a relationship with a strong spontaneous desire, which over time may become responsive desire. This isn't a drop in libido, but simply a change in the form desire takes.

It's also important to let go of the idea that libido arrives as if by magic and that there's nothing to be done about it: spontaneity is, most of the time, only present at the start of a relationship. The flame is kept alive if you stay curious, but if you wait too long for something to happen, it will go out. So, time to get to work!

2 - Spend time with yourself and treat yourself without pressure

Before trying to rediscover desire for your partner, try reconnecting with your own emotions and feelings through meditation, yoga or masturbation. Rebuild your erotic imagination — why not try erotic podcasts or short stories? Use sex toys or any other accessories that make you feel good, and enjoy these moments of pleasure you give yourself.

3 - Establish new habits

Then try to establish new habits and ideas to reconnect with your partner.

Find a new quality in intimacy: do you need more caresses, role play, lube or toys? Try a new rhythm: morning instead of evening? Talk about your desires and fantasies, and share your new erotic imagination with your partner!

4 - Spend time apart to better find each other again

Finally, desire needs space: try spending time apart so you can come back together again. Do you remember your first dates? You'd choose a place, a time, an outfit... It was exciting to try to impress each other. Plan activities together for quality, chosen moments, and rediscover the thrill of those early dates!

Trust yourself and your partner, express yourself, dare to be adventurous! Take all the time you need and don't put pressure on yourself. The love we have for our partner in a relationship isn't limited to sex. There are thousands of ways to express love and tenderness. Remember that you can be in love and not feel sexual desire for your partner — and that's perfectly ok!

If you'd like to learn more about desire and libido as a couple, you can find here the replay of our live session with Camille, a sexologist for Mia.co!

See you soon 💜